BIG OIL - BIG MESS

The oil horror movie down in the Gulf of Mexico epitomizes all that is wrong with this country and the world these days. Obama is just a silver-tongued minstrel, selling us empty hopes and dreams, just like the man from Hope, who had his own problems when it came to drilling where he didn't belong. It's enough to make you puke.

Everyone knew the fail safe clamps weren't fail safe. Internal documents between Transocean and BP spelled that right out. Transocean warned BP that the rams might not ultimately stop an explosion or a leak. BP said that was okay because they had god on their side, or at least the Department of Interior.

And then BP testified last week under oath that they didn't know jack about eliminating the redundancies. Apparently, even lying under oath is no longer a problem in the brave new world of Amerika.

I distinctly remember reading that as our Vice President, Dick "Evil Empire" Chaney ordered that deep sea oil exploration be fast-tracked in the name of energy independence. Permits became pro forma. And who ultimately screwed the pooch here? Oh yeah, it was Chaney's company Haliburton that didn't do the tighten up when they capped the well with the cement plug. Meanwhile, Chaney goes to work each day at Haliburton and takes shots at the Democrats, while George the Third, sits down there in Texas chewing on his cud and dreaming of the Iraq oil fields.

BP has got the whole thing rigged. They may not know how to protect their oil rigs from blowing up and spewing oil all over the Gulf, but they definitely know how to contain the story about the disaster. First, they control the scene. Second they have the Coast Guard at their disposal and can keep any curious second guessers at bay, including CBS and CNN. And third, they lowball and lie their way through every day.

Remember when the oil rig first blew? They said there was no spill. Then they said it was “only” 1,000 gallons a day. Then it was 5,000 a day. Then it was 25,000 a day. Then it was – well god only knows how much. They promptly promised us they had a foolproof plan to stop the flow. That bought them a few days. Then when the mighty cap didn't work, they came up with an even better little baby cap. I don’t know what the hell happened to that pipe dream. Then came a mile-long straw that is sucking more oil than BP claims is gushing from the ocean floor. Next up, Haliburton to the rescue with the killshot cap – which was what they were supposed to do in the first place so none of this ever happened. The final solution is a new well, which will be ready next week, next month, by August – take your pick.

Meanwhile, there are eight separate investigations going and Congress is going to spend millions getting to the bottom of this terrible disaster, even though no one has subpoena power.

The impacts of the dispersants that are being injected into the gushing oil is completely unknown. But we do know that they are solvents, so imagine if it was, let's say turpentine, only a lot worse. How do you think that will affect the wildlife?

And the ironies abound, starting with the oil drifting back to Port Fourchon, the staging area for the oil industry. And while the environmental groups have been wringing their hands for the past week, it turns out that many of them gratefully took BP's oil-stained money over the last few years, gladly painting the company green in return for lots of greenbacks. Louisiana's odd Governor, Bobby "I Want To Be President" Jindal was the poster child for small government, and now he wants the federal government to be the big daddy who bankrolls every crazy idea that he and his Cajun crackers can devise, starting with dredging sand barrier islands to block the oil. God definitely has a sense of humor.

You want the truth? Here's the truth. The marshes are toast. And any of the poor critters that come in contact with the oil are goners. Sure, there will be class action lawsuits out the yin-yang and the lawyers will feed off the oil like ravenous bacteria. But you can say bye-bye to the bayou for a long, long time. Oh yeah, and shrimp is about to get really, really expensive.

In the end, this will be nobody's and everybody's fault, like playing pin the tail on the oil slick. The oil barons will simply be too big to fail. Next time they will be much more careful. Promise. Would they lie?

The ultimate irony is that the only thing that will ultimately save the Gulf environment will be a kick-ass hurricane.

So, belly up to the bar my Creole brothers & sisters, it's time to pick your poison.